This was probably my first time interacting with misdirected email. I never figured out why I got the original message, but I really enjoyed the back and forth...even if I couldn't get the original sender to acknowledge me.
It all started with this email in my box:
"Knibb's Battery is having its quarterly business dinner meeting at 6pm on Thursday the 25th at Grapevine Restaurant at 11055 Three Chopt Road. Please RSVP if you plan to attend.
You and your Family are invited to the
Annual Knibb’s Battery Summer Campout and
Covered-Dish Cookout
To be held on the 26th through 28th of July
At Loch Cochrane on Dundonald Farm at XXX Henley Lane inRockville, Virginia
All guests are allowed to pitch a tent or park an R.V. for the weekend or just come for the big dinner at 6pm on Saturday. Please bring either an appetizer, side dish or dessert to share and we will supply the pork barbecue, hot dogs, lemonade, water and tea. Activities include swimming, ATV trailriding, waterskiing, canoeing, fishing, jetskiing, volleyball and cannon firing!
Please RSVP to Jim Cochrane at XXX orXXX@knibbsbattery.org with your headcount & food item to bring."
Seriously? I just got invited to dinner in Virginia? And there is gonna be ATV riding? I am so there! I had actually gotten a couple similar emails about this cookout already. It took a little googling to figure out that Knibb's Battery was a group of Civil War Re-enactors. I thought it was a used cell phone store or something. And I was really curious why they brought cannons to a cookout. My response:
"I am honored and flattered to have been invited to attend a fun weekend away with a group of people I have never met before. However, Virginia is a long ways and I don't know that I am prepared to pay for the gas to haul my camper and screaming children halfway across the country. Besides, I am not much of a cook and I don't want to offend you by bringing a box of Twinkies to pass. But in order for me to better plan for next summer, I have a few questions. 1) Are we Confederate or Union? It would be so embarrassing to dress as the wrong side. And even more embarrassing to find out we have CHOSEN to dress up like the losing side... 2) What's this about cannons? Is it BYO or do I get to fire off somebody else's cannon? Any chance I could get somebody to fire me into the lake out of the cannon? I have always wanted to join a circus. Getting shot into a lake by a bunch of people I don't know playing dress up in Virginia might be the closest I get. 3) While we are on the subject of explosives, let's just say that I know a guy... is it cool if I bring some "fireworks" that my buddy smuggled back from Mexico? Trust me, after a day of drinking on the lake, a light show is always a hit. Besides, I thought maybe you all could sing the Star Spangled Banner while I blow stuff up at night. It would be just like that Frances Scott Key guy. That was the civil war, right? Anyhow, my last question is whether or not any part of the weekend is "clothing optional". I'm not going to lie, whenever I drink (and trust me I will be drinking a lot if I get a weekend away from my parole officer) I start to shed clothing. I cant promise what will happen if I am sitting by the fire in my bikini briefs and somebody hands me another cold one.
Anyhow, I'm not sure why I keep getting these random emails from your nice little group. I don't think I know any of you, so you can feel free to remove me. You don't have to though. I don't have a lot of friends in real life and could always use somebody else to talk to.
Thanks!"
Right away, I got 18 replies. Unfortunately, they were all server responses saying that the email addresses I sent them to (because you should ALWAYS 'reply all', right?) were no longer valid. I am not sure if this means that all the members are dying off, or if they are being true to their 1800's selves and no longer use email. Either way, I eventually got a response from a random member who said I was welcome to join the party and that I was likely "more lucid" than most of the members. This was tempting.
A few days later, I got the below email. It would appear as though my previous message was lost on The Commander. And he was now alleging that we had spoken on the phone!
"Patrick,
Thanks so much for your phone call today regarding the 150th anniversary of the Occupation of Yorktown scheduled for the second weekend of November this year. To contact me about the use of any of our eleven cannons, mortar of Gatling gun, either email xxx@knibbsbattery.org or call xxx. Though I will be Miami until Sunday morning, I will do my best to get together a crew for this event. As I mentioned, I have crewmen that live in Yorktown, Gloucester, Chesapeake and Suffolk that can probably help out. It is also my understanding that artillery units will be getting a bounty of $250 per gun.Hoping that you have a great time in China, I am
Respectfully,
Captain Jim Cochrane
Commanding, Knibb's Battery"
For real? I mean it is weird enough that the guy sends me crazy invites and then completely ignores my response. But now he is trying to rent me a contingent of militiamen with cannons? This guys is too much. I replied with the following:
"Captain Jimbo:
Thank goodness that the troops fighting the civil war did not have to rely on email for disseminating urgent messages. Could you imagine if important messages, say "meet at the big tree at 7:30", got accidentally emailed to the opposition because the Commander entered the wrong email address? How embarrassing would it be for the battery to show up and find themselves being flanked at the big tree before the musketeering ever got started.
I think perhaps, in an effort to be more historically accurate, you should communicate with your troops like they did in the 1400's when the Civil War was ongoing. I am sure it would be a little more expensive to hire a horse-messenger to personally deliver every message, but I bet it would make you think twice about how important your message was... Or maybe you could try telegraphy. Personally, I don't recommend it. I learned a little morse code as a kid when I got an amateur radio license. You listen to hours of tapes which are just practice messages being tapped out one slow beep at a time. You hear phantom beeping in your head for days. But I digress.
On one hand I am stymied by your insistence on sending me messages about your club. On the other hand I am intrigued by your fascination with cannons. Seriously, ELEVEN cannons? Your neighbors must hate you. I have this dude on my cul-de-sac that plays crappy country music whenever he washes his car in the driveway on weekends. I can only imagine exacting revenge on him by firing off 11 cannons outside of his window at, like, 3a.m. on a Wednesday.
Oh and what's this about $250 a gun? I live only about an hour from Detroit. I can get you some guns. I mean... as long as you aren't interested in asking a lot of questions, I can hook you up. I'm not sure, but I imagine you can dress up an AK to look all Civil-Warry. Did they use handguns in the Civil War? Those are easiest for me to get, but I don't see a lot of Glock flint-locks. Whatever, we can work the details out later. $250 a gun is a good deal, and I got a few bad decisions I have to pay off.
Originally, I was hoping to have you REMOVE me from your address book. But each message I get about your party has me wanting for more. I can tell you take your role as commander seriously since you are spending a whole week in Miami to work on your Civil War-era tan. Please tell me your 'stache involves handlebars of some sort. You reference my trip to China, which is odd since I have never been. I DID just get home from Canada two days ago, if that is close enough. Regardless, please keep me in the loop. If I hear that there is going to be something awesomely Civil War-related like catching cholera, riding a steam locomotive into battle, or getting my picture taken with Stonewall's stuffed corpse, I just might clear my schedule.
Regards,
Patrick"
Unfortunately, The Commander never did respond. I got a handful of other responses, though. Several members appeared to drink heavily before responding to me. Most of their non-sensical messages to me were deleted. Another guy sent me a video of cannons being fired and said "If this doesnt get you in your sweet spot, I surely dont know what would". Yeah, weird.
So I spent July 28th at work that year. The night was pretty uneventful, save for the few fireworks calls. As I drove around the city, I couldn't help but imagine those drunken fun-loving fools shooting off their fireworks after a lovely cookout. I wondered if anybody thought about mounting a cannon on a jet ski or ATV. I swore that NEXT YEAR, I was going to meet Knibb's Battery. Sadly, I wasn't invited.
It all started with this email in my box:
"Knibb's Battery is having its quarterly business dinner meeting at 6pm on Thursday the 25th at Grapevine Restaurant at 11055 Three Chopt Road. Please RSVP if you plan to attend.
You and your Family are invited to the
Annual Knibb’s Battery Summer Campout and
Covered-Dish Cookout
To be held on the 26th through 28th of July
At Loch Cochrane on Dundonald Farm at XXX Henley Lane inRockville, Virginia
All guests are allowed to pitch a tent or park an R.V. for the weekend or just come for the big dinner at 6pm on Saturday. Please bring either an appetizer, side dish or dessert to share and we will supply the pork barbecue, hot dogs, lemonade, water and tea. Activities include swimming, ATV trailriding, waterskiing, canoeing, fishing, jetskiing, volleyball and cannon firing!
Please RSVP to Jim Cochrane at XXX orXXX@knibbsbattery.org with your headcount & food item to bring."
Seriously? I just got invited to dinner in Virginia? And there is gonna be ATV riding? I am so there! I had actually gotten a couple similar emails about this cookout already. It took a little googling to figure out that Knibb's Battery was a group of Civil War Re-enactors. I thought it was a used cell phone store or something. And I was really curious why they brought cannons to a cookout. My response:
"I am honored and flattered to have been invited to attend a fun weekend away with a group of people I have never met before. However, Virginia is a long ways and I don't know that I am prepared to pay for the gas to haul my camper and screaming children halfway across the country. Besides, I am not much of a cook and I don't want to offend you by bringing a box of Twinkies to pass. But in order for me to better plan for next summer, I have a few questions. 1) Are we Confederate or Union? It would be so embarrassing to dress as the wrong side. And even more embarrassing to find out we have CHOSEN to dress up like the losing side... 2) What's this about cannons? Is it BYO or do I get to fire off somebody else's cannon? Any chance I could get somebody to fire me into the lake out of the cannon? I have always wanted to join a circus. Getting shot into a lake by a bunch of people I don't know playing dress up in Virginia might be the closest I get. 3) While we are on the subject of explosives, let's just say that I know a guy... is it cool if I bring some "fireworks" that my buddy smuggled back from Mexico? Trust me, after a day of drinking on the lake, a light show is always a hit. Besides, I thought maybe you all could sing the Star Spangled Banner while I blow stuff up at night. It would be just like that Frances Scott Key guy. That was the civil war, right? Anyhow, my last question is whether or not any part of the weekend is "clothing optional". I'm not going to lie, whenever I drink (and trust me I will be drinking a lot if I get a weekend away from my parole officer) I start to shed clothing. I cant promise what will happen if I am sitting by the fire in my bikini briefs and somebody hands me another cold one.
Anyhow, I'm not sure why I keep getting these random emails from your nice little group. I don't think I know any of you, so you can feel free to remove me. You don't have to though. I don't have a lot of friends in real life and could always use somebody else to talk to.
Thanks!"
Right away, I got 18 replies. Unfortunately, they were all server responses saying that the email addresses I sent them to (because you should ALWAYS 'reply all', right?) were no longer valid. I am not sure if this means that all the members are dying off, or if they are being true to their 1800's selves and no longer use email. Either way, I eventually got a response from a random member who said I was welcome to join the party and that I was likely "more lucid" than most of the members. This was tempting.
A few days later, I got the below email. It would appear as though my previous message was lost on The Commander. And he was now alleging that we had spoken on the phone!
"Patrick,
Thanks so much for your phone call today regarding the 150th anniversary of the Occupation of Yorktown scheduled for the second weekend of November this year. To contact me about the use of any of our eleven cannons, mortar of Gatling gun, either email xxx@knibbsbattery.org or call xxx. Though I will be Miami until Sunday morning, I will do my best to get together a crew for this event. As I mentioned, I have crewmen that live in Yorktown, Gloucester, Chesapeake and Suffolk that can probably help out. It is also my understanding that artillery units will be getting a bounty of $250 per gun.Hoping that you have a great time in China, I am
Respectfully,
Captain Jim Cochrane
Commanding, Knibb's Battery"
For real? I mean it is weird enough that the guy sends me crazy invites and then completely ignores my response. But now he is trying to rent me a contingent of militiamen with cannons? This guys is too much. I replied with the following:
"Captain Jimbo:
Thank goodness that the troops fighting the civil war did not have to rely on email for disseminating urgent messages. Could you imagine if important messages, say "meet at the big tree at 7:30", got accidentally emailed to the opposition because the Commander entered the wrong email address? How embarrassing would it be for the battery to show up and find themselves being flanked at the big tree before the musketeering ever got started.
I think perhaps, in an effort to be more historically accurate, you should communicate with your troops like they did in the 1400's when the Civil War was ongoing. I am sure it would be a little more expensive to hire a horse-messenger to personally deliver every message, but I bet it would make you think twice about how important your message was... Or maybe you could try telegraphy. Personally, I don't recommend it. I learned a little morse code as a kid when I got an amateur radio license. You listen to hours of tapes which are just practice messages being tapped out one slow beep at a time. You hear phantom beeping in your head for days. But I digress.
On one hand I am stymied by your insistence on sending me messages about your club. On the other hand I am intrigued by your fascination with cannons. Seriously, ELEVEN cannons? Your neighbors must hate you. I have this dude on my cul-de-sac that plays crappy country music whenever he washes his car in the driveway on weekends. I can only imagine exacting revenge on him by firing off 11 cannons outside of his window at, like, 3a.m. on a Wednesday.
Oh and what's this about $250 a gun? I live only about an hour from Detroit. I can get you some guns. I mean... as long as you aren't interested in asking a lot of questions, I can hook you up. I'm not sure, but I imagine you can dress up an AK to look all Civil-Warry. Did they use handguns in the Civil War? Those are easiest for me to get, but I don't see a lot of Glock flint-locks. Whatever, we can work the details out later. $250 a gun is a good deal, and I got a few bad decisions I have to pay off.
Originally, I was hoping to have you REMOVE me from your address book. But each message I get about your party has me wanting for more. I can tell you take your role as commander seriously since you are spending a whole week in Miami to work on your Civil War-era tan. Please tell me your 'stache involves handlebars of some sort. You reference my trip to China, which is odd since I have never been. I DID just get home from Canada two days ago, if that is close enough. Regardless, please keep me in the loop. If I hear that there is going to be something awesomely Civil War-related like catching cholera, riding a steam locomotive into battle, or getting my picture taken with Stonewall's stuffed corpse, I just might clear my schedule.
Regards,
Patrick"
Unfortunately, The Commander never did respond. I got a handful of other responses, though. Several members appeared to drink heavily before responding to me. Most of their non-sensical messages to me were deleted. Another guy sent me a video of cannons being fired and said "If this doesnt get you in your sweet spot, I surely dont know what would". Yeah, weird.
So I spent July 28th at work that year. The night was pretty uneventful, save for the few fireworks calls. As I drove around the city, I couldn't help but imagine those drunken fun-loving fools shooting off their fireworks after a lovely cookout. I wondered if anybody thought about mounting a cannon on a jet ski or ATV. I swore that NEXT YEAR, I was going to meet Knibb's Battery. Sadly, I wasn't invited.