Last March, as I was (very quietly) reliving the excitement of the previous day's St. Paddy's Day festivities, I got the very bizarre email below. Again, I have no idea why people keep mistakenly sending me this stuff. I am starting to think that there are a couple of Maguires out there who give out my email address to people that they don't actually want to talk to. Anyhow, Tammy sent me the following:
"How about the Birthday lunch for Laura and John on Thursday 3/26? The place has not been decided yet but please check your schedules to see if you can make it. Maybe 11:30 to get a head start on the lunch crowd.
Thanks."
Her signature indicated that she was Tammy from Cadence Bank. I had never heard of it before, but after some googlery I learned that Cadence Bank was in Sarasota Florida. For those of you who don't remember, last winter was a VERY cold, long, and snowy winter. Even on March 18th, the weather was still crap. The thought of a getaway to Florida sounded delightful. I was already packing my bags before I remembered to send my RSVP. For the record, this email was also sent to "Max", "Laura", "Diane", "Pierre", and "John". In the spirit of transparency, I thought it best to 'reply all':
"Tammy,
Thanks so much for thinking of me. I cannot wait. The 26th would work for me, but do you think maybe we could move it to a Friday? That would be great since I don't work Fridays...but let's be honest, who really "works" on a Friday? Anyhow, I would be glad to play "host" for the event. I already started thinking of some venues and games. I was thinking maybe the Hooters on Tamiami Trail. I know that this would be a little bit of a stretch, given John's penchant for seafood, but I think we all know that Laura has that "wild side". For those of you who missed the Christmas party in 2012, I'll fill you in someplace more appropriate than work email. Besides, I'm told that Hooters has great burgers or wings or something.
As far as games, how would you all feel about a few rounds of Cards Against Humanity while the beer pong table is being set up? I know that it may seem a little risque, but I sent an email to HR and I think I can spin this as "an exercise in understanding others' viewpoints". If anybody has any other games like Jenga, pin the indictment on the CEO, or Twister, feel free to bring them along. I was told that Hooters (and apparently the local health department) have very strict rules about the minimum clothing which must be worn in a restaurant. So Max's idea for 'dancers' won't fly this time around.
I've already made some phone calls and I think that I can get this all covered under a couple of "discretionary" budgets we hid after that 2008 "housing crisis" thingie. I just need a headcount. Also, could somebody remind me on exactly how old John and Laura are turning? I think I know, but I don't want to tell the skywriting company the wrong thing.
Thanks, and I look forward to seeing you all there!"
I am not going to lie. I had to do a little homework online to get to know the area. I wanted them to think that I was either a) familiar enough with the area that I may really show up or b) crazy dedicated to the cause. Anyhow, Diane was the first to respond:
"Hmmm – am afraid I can’t top “Patrick’s” response. Did you change your name to protect the innocent when you retired?
Unfortunately Thursday the 26th does not work for me; doing dialysis, then driving to Cape Coral to spend the night with Meikka and bring my grand dogs home for a few days. And I have tickets to see the Orioles/Rays on Friday the 27th @ 1. I know, it’s hard having this danged much fun, but somebody has to do it. I will be available either Tuesday the 24th or Wed the 25th, but not sure which one yet. I am waiting for our pastor to confirm an appointment for one of those days.
Sorry to be such a pain ----- you CANNOT have lunch without me, however! XOXO"
Look, Diane. I am trying to be a smartass here and you have to bring us all down with your very serious, and not at all comedic, serious medical condition? Also, you can't tell all of us how busy and unavailable you are but then insist we don't celebrate it without you. You can't have your cake and eat it too, Diane. Actually if you are on dialysis, you probably shouldn't be eating sweets at all. Diane's email also clues me in that the intended recipient of this charming invite might be a Maguire, but he's no Patrick (there can be only one Patrick Maguire, of course).
Whatever. I eventually got the following from Laura, the birthday girl:
"Patrick – I can’t wait! And fyi, I will be turning 32 this year. Thanks
LjB"
Love that signature. It sounds so presidential. After that, there was just a couple of boring back-and-forths among the group. They eventually decided that the 31st worked best for everybody. Oddly, John (the other birthday celebrant) never responded. Perhaps I sorta nailed it on Laura being the "wilder" one? I decided to follow up on the big day to let them know I was thinking about them all:
"Hey Y'all!
I hope the birthday lunch is going well today. I was really hoping to join you folks, but it seems the response to my plan was a little tepid. I can't believe Laura is "32". I wouldn't have put her a day over 29. And John? That guy is ageless like Dick Clark. Well not the CURRENT Dick Clark, but ageless like Dick Clark was 10 years ago.
I don't want to tell you all how to do your jobs, but I gotta say that I think you missed a great PR opportunity for Cadence Bank! I mean, look what happened to this guy who was accidentally invited to a bachelor party:
http://www.myfoxorlando.com/story/28636533/man
He was able to start a gofundme page and now he's on his way across the country to celebrate with complete strangers. And with a divorce rate nearing 50%, is a wedding really something to celebrate these days? Especially one in PHILLY? I wonder if they'll have a giant cheese steak sandwich instead of a cake at that wedding. Anyhow, just think of the headlines you could have had! "Bankers Mistakenly Invite Schlub From Michigan to Birthday Party. Hilarity Ensues when Cadence Bank Flies Him To Florida". I've been to Philly. If strangers can have a good time at a Bachelor Party in that place, I KNOW we would have had a good time together in sunny Florida. Although I guess it might have been a little awkward since we don't really know each other and may not have much to talk about. I'm sure that we all would have probably just overindulged on cake (and a little booze when the boss wasn't looking) to get through the uneasy silence. In retrospect, I was probably more excited about getting out of the frigid cold than I was about the actual party. Would you believe it snowed here again today? Unreal. You folks have no idea how great you have it down there. I mean, sure, your politics can get a little wonky and you guys LOVE to make weird headlines down there inFlorida... but the sun and the ocean? I imagine that might make up for it.
I had big plans for presents for John and Laura, but a few issues came up. First off, I procrastinate like nobody else. Also, the local Spencer's Gifts shut down, so the only place I had left for classy present shopping was Amazon. I found these:
For John - http://tinyurl.com/nu8uqt4
And Laura - http://tinyurl.com/o58duy5
I think they both speak to a young professional's successful lifestyle without being overly flashy. Nobody wants to look like "New Money". Don't worry, I haven't wasted any money yet. I let my Amazon Prime account lapse and I'm still looking for that ONE MORE THING to make the shipping free. I'm sure by the time the presents get here via Amazon's free shipping, it will be just in time for next year's party. I seriously think that congress could come to a bi-partisan agreement with the president on Iranian nukes faster than Amazon could ship something to me for free.
Although I couldn't be there to help you guys celebrate the big day, I hope both John and Laura had great birthdays. If you are ever in Michigan, feel free to give me a shout. I think it should warm up sometime in May or June. When I finally get around to taking the kids to Disney World, I'm definitely going to look for a Cadence Bank. Just promise to go easy on me with those ATM fees.
Cheers!"
I did get a couple of final last replies. From Diane:
"I, for one, am crushed that you were not able to make it to the party. I don't think we'd have had any trouble finding lots to talk about. And I am now convinced that you and "the other" P Maguire are related, as he has the exact same sense of humor.
If I ever get to Michigan, though why I don't know, I'll look you up!"
And Laura, my new favorite party animal banker:
"Dear Patrick,
It’s the thought that counts. I’ve always wanted a banana saver but I will wait in hope for 52 more weeks that perhaps you will get it for me next year. It is eligible for Prime so you might want to rethink that cancellation.
Honestly, Patrick – you are really funny. Have you considered taking your act on the road? I hear that they pay Cruise Line comedians a lot of money! There are plenty of Improvs in Orlando so when you go on vacation consider stopping by one and walk onstage. You probably don’t need the money but it might come in handy when you retire. Just a thought.
It will be hard to celebrate without you but you can be sure we will talk about you.
By the way – the rest of you guys might not recognize me on Friday. I’ve had a little work done – you know with turning 54 and all I thought it was time. I’ve attached a picture so you will be prepared.
xoxo
LjB"
"How about the Birthday lunch for Laura and John on Thursday 3/26? The place has not been decided yet but please check your schedules to see if you can make it. Maybe 11:30 to get a head start on the lunch crowd.
Thanks."
Her signature indicated that she was Tammy from Cadence Bank. I had never heard of it before, but after some googlery I learned that Cadence Bank was in Sarasota Florida. For those of you who don't remember, last winter was a VERY cold, long, and snowy winter. Even on March 18th, the weather was still crap. The thought of a getaway to Florida sounded delightful. I was already packing my bags before I remembered to send my RSVP. For the record, this email was also sent to "Max", "Laura", "Diane", "Pierre", and "John". In the spirit of transparency, I thought it best to 'reply all':
"Tammy,
Thanks so much for thinking of me. I cannot wait. The 26th would work for me, but do you think maybe we could move it to a Friday? That would be great since I don't work Fridays...but let's be honest, who really "works" on a Friday? Anyhow, I would be glad to play "host" for the event. I already started thinking of some venues and games. I was thinking maybe the Hooters on Tamiami Trail. I know that this would be a little bit of a stretch, given John's penchant for seafood, but I think we all know that Laura has that "wild side". For those of you who missed the Christmas party in 2012, I'll fill you in someplace more appropriate than work email. Besides, I'm told that Hooters has great burgers or wings or something.
As far as games, how would you all feel about a few rounds of Cards Against Humanity while the beer pong table is being set up? I know that it may seem a little risque, but I sent an email to HR and I think I can spin this as "an exercise in understanding others' viewpoints". If anybody has any other games like Jenga, pin the indictment on the CEO, or Twister, feel free to bring them along. I was told that Hooters (and apparently the local health department) have very strict rules about the minimum clothing which must be worn in a restaurant. So Max's idea for 'dancers' won't fly this time around.
I've already made some phone calls and I think that I can get this all covered under a couple of "discretionary" budgets we hid after that 2008 "housing crisis" thingie. I just need a headcount. Also, could somebody remind me on exactly how old John and Laura are turning? I think I know, but I don't want to tell the skywriting company the wrong thing.
Thanks, and I look forward to seeing you all there!"
I am not going to lie. I had to do a little homework online to get to know the area. I wanted them to think that I was either a) familiar enough with the area that I may really show up or b) crazy dedicated to the cause. Anyhow, Diane was the first to respond:
"Hmmm – am afraid I can’t top “Patrick’s” response. Did you change your name to protect the innocent when you retired?
Unfortunately Thursday the 26th does not work for me; doing dialysis, then driving to Cape Coral to spend the night with Meikka and bring my grand dogs home for a few days. And I have tickets to see the Orioles/Rays on Friday the 27th @ 1. I know, it’s hard having this danged much fun, but somebody has to do it. I will be available either Tuesday the 24th or Wed the 25th, but not sure which one yet. I am waiting for our pastor to confirm an appointment for one of those days.
Sorry to be such a pain ----- you CANNOT have lunch without me, however! XOXO"
Look, Diane. I am trying to be a smartass here and you have to bring us all down with your very serious, and not at all comedic, serious medical condition? Also, you can't tell all of us how busy and unavailable you are but then insist we don't celebrate it without you. You can't have your cake and eat it too, Diane. Actually if you are on dialysis, you probably shouldn't be eating sweets at all. Diane's email also clues me in that the intended recipient of this charming invite might be a Maguire, but he's no Patrick (there can be only one Patrick Maguire, of course).
Whatever. I eventually got the following from Laura, the birthday girl:
"Patrick – I can’t wait! And fyi, I will be turning 32 this year. Thanks
LjB"
Love that signature. It sounds so presidential. After that, there was just a couple of boring back-and-forths among the group. They eventually decided that the 31st worked best for everybody. Oddly, John (the other birthday celebrant) never responded. Perhaps I sorta nailed it on Laura being the "wilder" one? I decided to follow up on the big day to let them know I was thinking about them all:
"Hey Y'all!
I hope the birthday lunch is going well today. I was really hoping to join you folks, but it seems the response to my plan was a little tepid. I can't believe Laura is "32". I wouldn't have put her a day over 29. And John? That guy is ageless like Dick Clark. Well not the CURRENT Dick Clark, but ageless like Dick Clark was 10 years ago.
I don't want to tell you all how to do your jobs, but I gotta say that I think you missed a great PR opportunity for Cadence Bank! I mean, look what happened to this guy who was accidentally invited to a bachelor party:
http://www.myfoxorlando.com/story/28636533/man
He was able to start a gofundme page and now he's on his way across the country to celebrate with complete strangers. And with a divorce rate nearing 50%, is a wedding really something to celebrate these days? Especially one in PHILLY? I wonder if they'll have a giant cheese steak sandwich instead of a cake at that wedding. Anyhow, just think of the headlines you could have had! "Bankers Mistakenly Invite Schlub From Michigan to Birthday Party. Hilarity Ensues when Cadence Bank Flies Him To Florida". I've been to Philly. If strangers can have a good time at a Bachelor Party in that place, I KNOW we would have had a good time together in sunny Florida. Although I guess it might have been a little awkward since we don't really know each other and may not have much to talk about. I'm sure that we all would have probably just overindulged on cake (and a little booze when the boss wasn't looking) to get through the uneasy silence. In retrospect, I was probably more excited about getting out of the frigid cold than I was about the actual party. Would you believe it snowed here again today? Unreal. You folks have no idea how great you have it down there. I mean, sure, your politics can get a little wonky and you guys LOVE to make weird headlines down there inFlorida... but the sun and the ocean? I imagine that might make up for it.
I had big plans for presents for John and Laura, but a few issues came up. First off, I procrastinate like nobody else. Also, the local Spencer's Gifts shut down, so the only place I had left for classy present shopping was Amazon. I found these:
For John - http://tinyurl.com/nu8uqt4
And Laura - http://tinyurl.com/o58duy5
I think they both speak to a young professional's successful lifestyle without being overly flashy. Nobody wants to look like "New Money". Don't worry, I haven't wasted any money yet. I let my Amazon Prime account lapse and I'm still looking for that ONE MORE THING to make the shipping free. I'm sure by the time the presents get here via Amazon's free shipping, it will be just in time for next year's party. I seriously think that congress could come to a bi-partisan agreement with the president on Iranian nukes faster than Amazon could ship something to me for free.
Although I couldn't be there to help you guys celebrate the big day, I hope both John and Laura had great birthdays. If you are ever in Michigan, feel free to give me a shout. I think it should warm up sometime in May or June. When I finally get around to taking the kids to Disney World, I'm definitely going to look for a Cadence Bank. Just promise to go easy on me with those ATM fees.
Cheers!"
I did get a couple of final last replies. From Diane:
"I, for one, am crushed that you were not able to make it to the party. I don't think we'd have had any trouble finding lots to talk about. And I am now convinced that you and "the other" P Maguire are related, as he has the exact same sense of humor.
If I ever get to Michigan, though why I don't know, I'll look you up!"
And Laura, my new favorite party animal banker:
"Dear Patrick,
It’s the thought that counts. I’ve always wanted a banana saver but I will wait in hope for 52 more weeks that perhaps you will get it for me next year. It is eligible for Prime so you might want to rethink that cancellation.
Honestly, Patrick – you are really funny. Have you considered taking your act on the road? I hear that they pay Cruise Line comedians a lot of money! There are plenty of Improvs in Orlando so when you go on vacation consider stopping by one and walk onstage. You probably don’t need the money but it might come in handy when you retire. Just a thought.
It will be hard to celebrate without you but you can be sure we will talk about you.
By the way – the rest of you guys might not recognize me on Friday. I’ve had a little work done – you know with turning 54 and all I thought it was time. I’ve attached a picture so you will be prepared.
xoxo
LjB"
Just between you and me, I'm not convinced that's what she really looks like. I imagined her as a blonde.